The Sun Is Out
by blubick
Summary: There's a reason the Captain can't sleep, but he doesn't know what it is yet.


**_Warning: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD. MAJOR. SPOILERS._**

* * *

**Everyone in the Scouting Legion has some kind of sad title they hold.** Erwin's the busiest; Moblit drinks the most; Hange is the scariest when she's stressed. Levi's special talent is how little he sleeps.

Hange and the others like to call it insomnia, but Levi doesn't really know what it is himself. He'll toss and he'll turn, and his eyes will close. He won't think, or he'll try not to. But he never sleeps, not until he's sure the sun's coming up. And when he sleeps, he hardly dreams.

No one's ever been in the Captain's room at night. They always knock, never enter. If it's an emergency, they'll just knock louder. Levi's grateful for it. He also hates it.

He's been alone for too long, and he's seen too much. Maybe if someone were to stay by his side, he'd be able to rest. He wouldn't feel so small in his world of giants and stars and death.

Then again, maybe it's not his loneliness that keeps Levi awake. Maybe it's his anxiety. Maybe it's those interrupting, ever-present shouts of doubt in the back of his head. Kenny Ackerman tells him he's a worthless runt, a little piglet awaiting his slaughter, hardly clever enough to buy himself a few more minutes of squealing and evasion each time the ax levels itself over his neck. Civilians call him a slug in uniform, working for a hopeless cause. His squad- his new squad- - all of those kids shout his name, pleadingly, begging for answers, for salvation. The bones of the other squad lay accusingly at his feet. The voices are easy to brush off when he's up and thinking, occupied. But when he clears his head, hoping for those golden hours of slumber, the voices creep through the walls he builds, finding cracks to bleed through until they drown him and he can't breathe.

Yeah. Maybe it's that.

Or maybe it's not. Maybe the reason the Captain can't sleep is because when he does dream, all he sees are the reasons he should be dead.

Pigtails and smiles and clever words. Death.

Friends around tables and tea and tongue-biting and warm copper eyes. Death.

That should be it, right? That should be all. Levi's already sweating by then, and he doesn't even know it. That's all he can handle, isn't it?

Apparently not.

He sees children, laughing kids with big hearts and trivial issues he can't really understand. Kirschtein and Springer and Braus and Reiss and Arlert and Ackerman and Jaeger. Kids who bicker like siblings, kids he doesn't want to care about. Kids he cares about.

_You know what?_

Someone asks him in his "dream". It sounds like Kenny Ackerman.

_Jean will die alone, stranded in open land. You won't find him until a few months after. He'll be rotting in the ground by then._

Stop, Levi says, trying not to hear it.

_Sasha will die trying to save the others. The titan will grab her-_

-please-

_-and chew her up, and swallow her. All you'll have left is maybe a head, a foot, some hair._

That's a lie, Levi thinks, knowing it could very well be the truth.

_Springer's gear will break._

-don't say it-

_He'll make for a rather light snack, don't you think? That is, if they don't crush him like fly, with his insides all splayed around his crushed bones._

It wouldn't happen, he tells himself.

_The little Princess will be shot in the head. You know she hates you, right? She'll never get to forgive you. _

He feels sick. He dreads the rest terribly.

_Oh, the best part. _

I'm begging you.

_You know that genius little boy, the precious blonde one? _

Don't

_Broken into little pieces. Thrown onto the ground. He'll be shielding his friends._

Levi's choking. Something's wrong with him.

_How about that beautiful, strong young woman? Isn't she a relative of yours? Isn't she family?_

no

_All she ever wanted was to be by his side, right?_

please

_When she gets in the way at the wrong time, guess who kills her?_

Levi can't even speak now.

_Your beloved little Jaeger boy? Oh, you never got to show him what he meant to you. The brat grew on you, didn't he? You got to thinking of him as- what- your little brother? Your son? Someone you have to protect?_

_He's a strong one, isn't he?_

_Strength can only go so far._

_He was a true hero. That is, until he lost what he was fighting for. _

_You know what he does? How he dies?_

_He stops eating. He stops moving. All he ever wants to do is sleep._

_You'll watch him. You'll see his face get paler and paler every day. _

_You'll watch him turn to skin and bone._

_You'll watch him vomit food he doesn't have. _

_You'll be the one he's staring at with glassy eyes one morning._

_As for your other friends? The adults? _

_The gallows, the guillotine. One or the other. _

_That four-eyed dreamer you know and love goes down fighting. She's shot in the end. They can't hold her down. That woman is really something, huh? The only one able to truly understand you. A pity, really._

_Smith is executed publicly, with a ceremony and everything. But you'd expect nothing less, right? He was the man to take you in, to raise you up and tame you. A man like him deserves a ceremony. It's a shame it isn't the kind of celebration it should be, though._

_You know it's all gonna play out like this, right? You're a smart man. You're seeing it all as it happens, your precious squad of children and your comrades and your friends. It's painful, isn't it? You can never show it, but you need them, don't you? You can't end up all alone again. But don't worry._

_Finally, it's your turn._

Levi can't breathe. He hopes his death will be quick, like so many do. He wishes someone would shoot him already.

_Well-_

_I suppose I can't give that away, can I? No, that's against the rules._

No, he tries to say, but it's stuffed down in his chest, and he may explode. It isn't fair.

_All of those kids, though...and even your best friends! What a blow it'll be!_

Killmekillmekillmekillmekillmeplease

_Maybe this has already happened. Doesn't it seem familiar? Are you sure everyone's still alive?_

Levi freezes, and he knows the voice is right. Everything he's seen- it's all happened before, hasn't it?

no

nnonononononononononononononononono

NONONONONONONONONONONO

He's heaving sobs against his pillow, screaming into his sheets.

The sun is out.

By the time he's able to stop, light's filling his room, and everyone's alive, and all he wants to do is sleep again.

Someone knocks on his door. "Levi?" asks a deep woman's voice.

"What, four-eyes?" Levi calls, his voice hoarse. He knows he's late. He pulls on a shirt and his shoes.

"We've gotta go. Hurry up and come out. We're all waiting for you."

_It can happen, _Kenny Ackerman says, but Levi hardly hears his voice now.

The sun is out, and everyone's waiting for him. His mind starts to run as he combs his hair and straps on his harness. His eyes aren't even puffy anymore.

Yes, the sun is out. The Captain can't sleep, but for now, that's okay. For now, he has better things to do.

The sun is out, and everyone's waiting for him.

That's all he needs to move forward.

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**A/N: Hey! Thanks for reading!**

**So this was based off of two things: **

**1. It is canon that Levi has bad insomnia and only gets three to four hours of sleep each night, and**

**2. A comic I once saw in which Levi had woken from a dream and (realizing that Hange was dead) he started, like, serious-crying, where you scream and sob and when it's over, you're dead tired. And I liked the idea of Levi mourning the deaths of his comrades in private, especially the young ones. **

**I feel like Levi has a lot going on inside his head that he never lets anyone know, or he has trouble communicating it. For example, his affections for his squad, new and old. He seemed pretty messed up when his first squad died, and he attacked the Female Titan with this pure rage that you'd never seen before on him. I think he especially has a soft spot for Eren, Mikasa, and Armin, all of whom he's known longer than the others from the 104th. Like when he panicked as Mikasa went in for the kill and sprained his ankle saving her (fighting the Female Titan), or when he seemed genuinely concerned cutting Eren out of his Titan body in the final fight. I feel like Levi is actually a very affectionate and caring person. It's just that he's terrible with talking about or expressing feelings, especially interpersonal ones. I feel like everyone he gets close to dies, and that's probably something that's affected him deeply in some way, and he's constantly scared of losing someone else important to him. He's able to look past it most of the time, but once he allows room for them, thoughts like that come in, and he can't get them out. He worries about everyone's future, and he's a little paranoid (with good reason). **

**I think Levi is definitely capable of expressing emotions, and he definitely has them. They just aren't as drastic as Eren's or Jean's or even Hange's. I think that, when he's alone with his thoughts, they can really get to him, and he can become really upset. So this was my headcanon. It's really everything I like about Levi's unique character; I've never seen a character quite so rude and socially awkward (at least in personal communication) and calculating who's also so deeply affectionate for his comrades and scared of what'll happen to them. Like, Levi doesn't seem like he's scared at all, right? But when he shook Historia in that one chapter, it was to express the fear and anxiety he has in him and instill it into her, to make her feel more urgently about the situation. He wouldn't have done that if he didn't think they were in trouble, and it wouldn't have been so effective if he himself hadn't felt the kind of panic he was trying to get her to feel.**

**Anyway. Character study over. Review? (I'm an aspiring young author, and I'd like to know what you like, what you don't like, etc. Maybe some solutions to problems you see?) This definitely isn't my best work (done in an hour in the middle of the night- probably tons of typos, I'll bet), but I'd really appreciate it if you at least said you liked it, or you agree/disagree with my perspective on Levi's character.**

**Thank you!**


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